Jan. 18, 2013

Five highlights:

1)  Getting passionate about my future -- wanting to do something new
2)  Talked through what is holding me back, with my friend, and acknowledged that all my fears are pretty stupid
3)  Got cute Valentines day cards for my nieces at Kmart
4)  My boss was really kind to me even though he is normally pretty tough and I was totally out of it today
5)  Watched Princess Bride with my husband earlier today and realized that those times of some of my favorites of the day, esp. hearing him practice lines from the movie =)

I've decided to write some more.  I figured I'll start small to highlight 5 things in my day:

1. Great when a good friend called me during my lunch hour; felt so happy to connect; need more of that
2. Happy hour was really fun; felt young again but realized, being young isn't that great; hated waiting for my friend, awkwardly talking to people around you
3. Need to get more shit done at work but feel like I'm in quick sand... think everyone at work feels that way
4. Little boss told me to talk to Big Boss (alone) about big question; Big Boss tends to rip things apart; Feel like Little Boss is throwing me to the wolves and oddly told me that it'll do me good.  I don't believe him and think he just wants to get out of it; sort of don't blame him
5. Realized that my husband works his ass off and that I really, really love him

Also, I feel myself stagnant right now.  I want to change fields into alternative medicine but I'm scared.  I feel the fear holding me back, and while I realize that the fear is ridiculous, it has a hold on me -- thankfully, less so than previously.  I hear everyone's voices telling me their opinions, including my own.  I'm worried that I'm fail, become a sloth, or be a total loser.  I feel like I should take more advantage of my legal degree and experience, but also recognize that i don't like the adversarial set-up of law and that I probably want to just stay in law b/c that's what I've been doing and it's easy to stay where you are... even if you know that that's not the right place to be. 

I am scared to be a stereotype of lame housewife.  (though I don't really look down on anyone who is - so it's odd that I'm judging myself harsher than I judge others).  I'm going to start looking at myself as another person -- not as me.  Maybe I'll be less critical and judgmental.  But then, my cynical side starts saying, well, will that pay the bills?  (even though, in my job, I make peanuts).

Ah, who knows?  I don't have it figured out.  I guess I'll just follow my nose. =)