I'm sitting here, in the process of packing up my apartment -- which to me symbolizes my former life in New York City: corporate litigator, flirty SAF, hard-ass. I'm trying to grasp what will change in my life but at the same time, find it hard to even process all the changes that are happening right now. Right after my 29th birthday party I found out that my law firm was laying me off. At first I jumped for joy and started gmail chatting my friends -- "OMG - I got laid off -- but I'm really happy..." But then reality hit me that my life will change dramatically. Regardless of whether I loved or even liked my life "as is," now changes would happen that I wouldn't be able to "book" in my outlook calendar.
From then on, I proceeded to focus on things I neglected in my life because I prioritized work before them. As "work" obviously told me that I was lower on its totem pole than I had previously thought, I decided to readjust my own priorities and focus on "me!" from then on. I told the cute guy who kept asking me out that I finally had a spare moment to go on a date with him; I visited my nieces and instead of checking my blackberry every 5 minutes I gave them my undivided attention and really enjoyed their company; I hung out with friends rested and fully enjoyed their company; and I started thinking about what would really make me happy.
Fast forward 3.5 months to now...
I've moved out of my shitty, "living here to pay off my law school loans" starter apartment, gave my "only have you to become a more loving person per my palm reader's suggestion" black cat to my crazy ass parents, am crazy in love with a wonderful man, and am about to embark on a 5-week stint in Costa Rica to learn Spanish! I was feeling overwhelmed with everything going on in my life -- and the past few days, found it difficult to breathe and just relax.
For better or worse, I have decided to give myself space to process things and try to remember how it feels just to be in my skin again -- without all the noises and distractions (both good and bad). So much is going on in my life that I am forgetting who this Warrior Queen really is... the labels, identities, assumptions, expectations, put on me by myself and others are weighing me down and some suddenly seem inapplicable. I'm left wondering what is the essence of me.
Over drinks one night my friend commented that his life is changing and in particular, he's becoming a new version of himself. I used to think of life as chapters -- but found it fascinating to think of it in terms of versions. I realize that we are always the same person though -- and don't change concretely in versions as we are constantly evolving -- and that if I thought of my life as versions, I would start judging myself on how far I've progressed and whether I like the person that I am becoming. So -- here's the a new chapter in the book of my life!
