Jan. 18, 2013

Five highlights:

1)  Getting passionate about my future -- wanting to do something new
2)  Talked through what is holding me back, with my friend, and acknowledged that all my fears are pretty stupid
3)  Got cute Valentines day cards for my nieces at Kmart
4)  My boss was really kind to me even though he is normally pretty tough and I was totally out of it today
5)  Watched Princess Bride with my husband earlier today and realized that those times of some of my favorites of the day, esp. hearing him practice lines from the movie =)

I've decided to write some more.  I figured I'll start small to highlight 5 things in my day:

1. Great when a good friend called me during my lunch hour; felt so happy to connect; need more of that
2. Happy hour was really fun; felt young again but realized, being young isn't that great; hated waiting for my friend, awkwardly talking to people around you
3. Need to get more shit done at work but feel like I'm in quick sand... think everyone at work feels that way
4. Little boss told me to talk to Big Boss (alone) about big question; Big Boss tends to rip things apart; Feel like Little Boss is throwing me to the wolves and oddly told me that it'll do me good.  I don't believe him and think he just wants to get out of it; sort of don't blame him
5. Realized that my husband works his ass off and that I really, really love him

Also, I feel myself stagnant right now.  I want to change fields into alternative medicine but I'm scared.  I feel the fear holding me back, and while I realize that the fear is ridiculous, it has a hold on me -- thankfully, less so than previously.  I hear everyone's voices telling me their opinions, including my own.  I'm worried that I'm fail, become a sloth, or be a total loser.  I feel like I should take more advantage of my legal degree and experience, but also recognize that i don't like the adversarial set-up of law and that I probably want to just stay in law b/c that's what I've been doing and it's easy to stay where you are... even if you know that that's not the right place to be. 

I am scared to be a stereotype of lame housewife.  (though I don't really look down on anyone who is - so it's odd that I'm judging myself harsher than I judge others).  I'm going to start looking at myself as another person -- not as me.  Maybe I'll be less critical and judgmental.  But then, my cynical side starts saying, well, will that pay the bills?  (even though, in my job, I make peanuts).

Ah, who knows?  I don't have it figured out.  I guess I'll just follow my nose. =)

Labels

I've been having a blast in Costa Rica -- especially since I have come to this beach community (Playa Flamingo).  It's nice to just chill with people, and I luckily met a few really cool people to hang out with.  I've been going to beaches, surfing, going on boat rides, drinking fruit smoothies, and watching many sunsets.  Pura vida! -- a saying in Costa Rica that means "pure life."  

It's been a good time for me to just let go of everything that has been holding me down -- like expectations I put on myself -- to be on top of my shit, to always have a plan A and a plan B, and to be "good at what I do" (whatever that may be).  Now that I'm writing this, I hear the voice of a former co-worker in my head, who kept telling me that I had to be the best lawyer I can be, and isn't that important to me?  Don't I want to be the best?  (even when faced with the choice between spending more time at home w/ a husband and child...)  I remember initially thinking, "hell no..." but slowly, I fed into the hype.  I almost felt I had to in order to keep myself going with the job -- in order to keep sacrificing so much of my life for the job.  I told myself that it was just something "just to think it so you can get through the day, even though you know it's BS."  But slowly, it became reality to me.  

Now in Costa Rica, I see the exact opposite -- of people just chilling out, fucking around, and partying it up.  I've meet many people who are just traveling the world -- from those who worked hard and saved for many months to come here, to others who are being financed by their parents and are as others have called them "lost boys."  I think this time is good for me -- but definitely not something I want to have long-term -- so no danger of me moving down to Costa Rica for the rest of my life. =)  

I want to get the benefits of both worlds -- of recognizing that there are more important things in life aside from your game plan and being "the best" (like enjoying life and having fun)... and also that I want to plan for your life and future but I don't have to be like the guy from American Psycho about it.

I think this vacation has been a time for me to try to let go of the labels and expectations that I allow to be on me.  Like, I followed a path of getting the high paying, difficult to get job, went to high ranked schools, etc.  People told me that life would be easy if I followed that path -- that I didn't have to worry about things.  But then I found myself at a point in my life where I was truly unhappy.  I was working my ass off, to the point where I couldn't see my friends and family as much as I had wanted, single or in relationships where I didn't have time to foster a good relationship, and unsatisfied with my job.  How was that an easy life?  What does it mean to be "the best"?  And does being "the best" in one thing mean that I'll be happy in life?  Why is it so important to be the best at work when other things falter so much -- from what it takes to be the best?

I don't know much about things -- but I guess I'm trying to sort everything out in my head about my life -- what I want from it, where I've been, where I want to go in the future. =)  But here, most of my energy has been on just letting go of the labels and expectations of the past.  

It's been cool being here.  Here, people just meet me and most think that I'm an early to mid-20 year old New Yorker.  It's so freeing!  I realize that a lot of expectations and labels, I put on myself -- and that I need to let go.  So that's what I've been trying to do as of late.  Let go.  Even if people say shit to me, I need to learn how to let things go.  Even a small example, when a girl said to me after I told her that I wanted to buy water on the beach, "oh, you didn't bring water to the beach?  I always bring water to the beach," I felt somewhat irresponsible.  But I realize that I just need to let go.  Her comment was about her.  I don't need to carry everything with me.  I just need to find someone who sells water and buy some (which someone did around a 2 minute walk away). =)  Pura Vida.  (That's a small silly example -- but an easy one to share).  

Well, I'm sweating like a hog in this heat!  Off to the beach!   

RESPECT LIFE - and other ramblings..

ZIP-LINING:

I went zip-lining last week, where I got to observe the beautiful landscape of Costa Rica while zipping along a line really high from the ground.  To slow down, I had to press down on the line with leather gloves that I was wearing.  I'm totally scared of heights but decided that I should do this as part of my adventure. 

Things were going OK until I had to propel down a rope!  And then I did the Tarzan swing, where I just jumped off a platform around 60 meters from the ground to swing back and forth like Tarzan.  I was scared to death to do the Tarzan swing.  But right before I jumped off, I started talking to a total adventurous kind of guy ahead of me who had a tattoo on his arm that said, "RESPECT LIFE."  I started thinking that I really needed to start living life.  We started talking about how "respect life" is better than "live life," "enjoy life," or other sayings like that... how respecting life means a whole lot more.  It was cool having that talk...

And then when I told the guy working there that I didn't want to jump, he gave me great advice:  "Don't think.  Just do it."  I did, and it was a wonderful, exhilarating experience. =)  I think sometimes I think too much -- and often in circles -- and need to just let go.  That's what I'm learning here, right now in Costa Rica.

CLASSIC NEW YORK:

My host family locked me out of their home last Monday afternoon (they went to the doctor's and didn't give me a key).  Being the New Yorker that I am, I broke into their house... =)  You can take the girl out of New York, but not the New York out of the girl...  I told my friend at school, who said that she waited 1.5 hours when that happened to her.

LIVING BY THE BEACH:

Yesterday, I just arrived at my last school location -- at the beach -- where I'm staying at apartments and not with a family -- b/c I crave hot water, A/C, and do not want to eat any more rice and beans (arroz y frijoles).  Ne ways, it is hilarious b/c the place totally feels like Real World Costa Rica.  Lots of attractive people, almost all really young (around 18-22 years old).  LOL.  I get there and everyone is dressed in bikinis and swim gear, smoking cigarettes, and already looking really bored w/ life.  It cracked me up.  =)  LOL.  A lot of them are European, which is def interesting....

  

It's funny because I realize that I don't want to hang out w/ the same kind of person that I would back home right now -- b/c I want a change and have a new experience.  The only person who reminded me of someone I would befriend at home was a guy whose room I was moving into (he moved out of the apartments but will be in town for another week).  I was glad to see him leaving -- b/c I could feel myself falling back into a certain mentality -- I couldn't put my finger on what -- but I just knew that it wasn't what I wanted.  Like, he found out which schools I went to within 5 minutes of meeting me -- that was one of the first questions he asked me, and he had gone to a great school, and he's my age and Asian American.

I'm actually sharing a room for the first time in my life -- with a 27 year old Belgium girl.  She speaks limited Spanish and English and is fluent in French.  It should be interesting to see how these 2.5 weeks together will be. =)  I'm going to try to get a English-French dictionary...  She seems really cool so it'll be a great experience.

 

SPANISH:

Initially, it was so hard to learn Spanish.  I felt so lost and really stupid.  But now I feel so much better with the language.  I got some of the basics down -- like the pronunciation... now I don't always pronounce the j's as English j's -- and actually make a h sound instead. =)  I'm excited to learn more Spanish.  I'm really proud of myself for tackling a new language -- especially since I used to be really fearful of learning a new language... 

Last week, I has group classes w/ an older guy (actually a guy who with his wife, adopted me as their daughter in Costa Rica).  I felt like I was really struggling in class, as he knew a lot of Spanish already.  But then after our last class this past week, during lunch, he and his wife both called me fearless when I tried to communicate something in Spanish.  I really loved being called fearless -- as lately, all I feel is full of fear -- being a female alone in a foreign country, trying to learn a new language, jumping off platforms for an adventure, etc. -- but I realize that I just need to work through my fears -- continue doing what I am doing even if I am fearful.  Like with the Tarzan swing -- I just need to acknowledge my fear, face it, and then overcome it by acting despite my fear.  

MY FUTURE:

I'm not sure what I want from my future -- but I'm thinking about what I value in life -- and where I want to put my energy and resources.  I finally feel good in my own skin -- like I remember how it feels to be me.  It feels freeing and great!  =)  I realize that I did feel bound to a job that I didn't really like -- just because of the money, security, and prestige.  I felt like I couldn't leave... and felt scared to stop and breathe -- for fear of what I may find out about myself when I took that moment to breathe and what I needed to face deep within my soul.  But now I am grateful for this time to travel, experience different cultures, and encounter interesting people.  I feel so free right now... not bound by a lease, a job, or other things -- though I miss loved ones in NY very much.  

I am using this time to reflect on my life -- and as I look back on these past few years, I realize how much I've gone through -- and how during those times, I've slowly gained a great support system and have experienced a lot of love through it all -- even from failed romances and friendships.  I started to feel empathy for those who had deeply loved me ... in their own way... even if things didn't work out.

 

I feel really blessed for all the love in my life -- thank you for all of you. =)  For example, I remember calling a friend after I found out that I got laid off -- and just saying, "can you come over?" and my friend coming over immediately and just sitting and watching a movie with me.  Or when my nieces gave me kisses without my having to say "kiss" and point to my cheek -- and especially when they made that cute smacking noise "muah!" when they kissed me. =)  Or when my friends shared drinks with me after my last day of work. =)  I am a huge sap -- but definitely am feeling loved and happy lately.  

WEIRD:

I was at a park having my friend take a picture of me, when this guy totally stopped, laughed boisterously, and then said in a thick German or Swiss accent after I looked questioningly over at him, "You have very shiny teeth!  I like that!"  LOL -- it totally cracked me up and reminded me of when a friend from college would look lustily at my teeth and go, "I love your teeth" when I would see her in the infinite corridor... 

Expectations

We fuck ourselves up with expectations on how we should relate to specific kinds of people in our lives.

For example, with our parents, we may have an expectation about how a parent in general should act to his-her child: loving, supportive, and kindly. So most of us expect this from our parents, even if they have been emotionally manipulative, selfish, and downright mean to us in the past. And when a parent acts in accordance with his-her past behavior but not aligned with our expectation of an ideal parent, we often think: "How could my own fucking mom (or dad) do this to me? She (or he) is my parent, for Gods sake!"

The same goes with expectations about a significant other, co-worker, bank teller, etc. We have expectations of people that sometimes are helpful but other times are just plain mind-fucks!

Sometimes it is hard to admit the truth. That your parent is selfish and emotionally manipulative, that you are better off without a friend in your life, or that your sibling takes advantage of you so you need to set boundaries. And sadly, sometimes the most painful part of the ordeal is the failure of the person to meet your expectation of an "ideal" parent-friend-sibling.

(Clarification: Of course, people (including our beautiful selves) make mistakes and we need to forgive one another. I am referring to people who treat you in a non-loving way time and again...)

On the flip side, these expectations may also relate to how you think you should act in a certain situation with a certain person in your life. You may think, I need to be a good child and talk to my parent every week because they reared me . . . even though you dread the weekly phone call where your parent is clearly emotionally abusive to you. Or you may think that being a good person and good friend means never ending friendships, even if they just bring pain into your life.

I am not saying that having expectations about love, marriage, parenthood, and what is "proper" is wrong. But too often we hold on too tight to these expectations -- to our own detriment. I think the saying "go with the flow" can relate to the idea that we can have these expectations but once they are not aligned with what is going on now, we need to *recognize* -- as painful as that may be for us. It fucking sucks to admit to yourself that your mother is a bitch or that someone you think loves you is attempting to hurt you. Especially if they are people you love and expect to be your anchor in life. But this entire entry just has to do with "being real" and "present." Let go and be real to yourself. You deserve it.

fearless - but only on the outside...

I feel like I am back in grade school. I go to classes - where their start and finish are indicated by bells, feel like I am learning so much of the basics of something, and have a Costa Rican mother who asks me whether I finished my homework and cooks me food. Today, during recess (I kidd you not), I sat next to a group of girls who ended up being high schoolers from North Carolina. They asked me my age as if I were a bit younger than them. LOL. I wondered what table this would be in a high school cafeteria (a la Mean Girls movie diagram).

At the next break, lunch, I finally felt like coming to Costa Rica was the right decision for me. I plopped myself down next to the oldest looking lady just to feel a bit older and not like a teenager. She is a retiree from Boston who was so lovely and vibrant that I only wished that I could be like her when I got older. She told me of all the places she had traveled and how she goes away every winter for 3-4 months and meets new friends along the way. I marveled at her vast knowledge of the world and upbeat personality. After a bit, I jokingly said, you must be a Sag (horoscope sign). Without skipping a beat, she replied right away; of course. I just had to ask, when is your birthday? and not wanting to make her feel like my follow-up question would be, what is your mothers maiden name, I offered my birthday. She noticably flinched and said, thats mine! At that moment, I felt like something special was happening. The school has very few people there, and I only asked one person her birthday and that person ended up having the same birthday as me. Wow.

Then this afternoon, I went to a nearby city - on my own. I decided to take a bus with only a 1-page map of the city with me, no dictionary, no phone numbers, nada. Well, except for one of those uber sexy internal fanny packs that makes you look preggers or like you just ate mucho carne asada. LOL. I dont know what I was thinking except that I wanted to extend myself, do something different, be fearless.

Scared, I waited for the bus, grunted the citys name, and once the bus driver acknowledged that I was not completely off, I hopped on. Scared after I got dropped off, I tried to orient myself in a seemingly shady part of the city. Not as scared but timid, I tried to calm my spirits by getting some baked goods. But then I slowly became more comfortable, figured out where I was, and finally saw street signs. Hallelujah! Then I had the best ceviche I ever tasted and wanted to lick the bowl dry while at the same time fearing food poisoning. Then with some unease from the unknown, I boarded a bus to return to my home away from home. I quickly pushed the stop button on the bus when it started veering off the main road. I felt that I was close to my Costa Rican house so began walking down the main road... I knew in the right direction but not how far. Walking in the darkness, I couldnt tell what was more dangerous, cars stalled in traffic or vooming by. A carful of screaming men jerked me out of my thoughts, and I decided, cars stuck in traffic. Then I thought: Shit! But what else am I to do but get some fucking exercise tonight, right now, and keep walking until I get to my home... I felt at peace and determined to make it there, even if it took all night. Then a few steps later, I saw the store which was right near my Costa Rican home. Relief set in but I also felt proud of myself for feeling empowered and free just a few moments before. I was tempted to buy some beers to celebrate but instead bought a diet coke and oreos... HOLLAR!

yo

Choice.

I find "choice" to be a tricky word. The choices I make every day become my habits, which then become my character, which eventually results in the person who I am.

I watched the movie, The Devil Wears Prada, yesterday. The protagonist in the movie was an idealistic, aspiring journalist who took a job as an assistant to the head honcho in fashion, an incredibly demanding boss. She initially thought fashion was a joke and insisted to herself and her live-in boyfriend that she would only do this job for a year. But slowly, she yearned for the rare praise given by her boss, internalized the frentic pace and urgency of the fashion world, and even felt empathy for her draconian boss. Whenever she would neglect her friends and family, she would say, "Ï have no choice. I have to do this." At the end, her boss actually calls her out on this cop-out and essentially says, "You always have a choice, and you made your choices. In fact, I never said this to anyone else but you remind me a lot of myself." It was then that the protagonist realizes that by her "choices," she had become a different person... a person whom she did not want to be. With that, she literally walks away from her job and then throws her blackberry in a fountain.

When do we feel like we have no choice but actually, we do? When do we cop-out and say, "I have to do this. I have no choice." instead of owning up to the fact that we made a choice and that we might need to let some people down in the choices we make -- but at the very least, we own our choices.

I have decided to take more ownership of my life. To not feel helpless and choiceless. To feel empowered. Because I am.

Que¿

After a flurry of activities these past few days -- which included celebrating my fabulous self with an amazing farewell party (thanks to all my loved ones who came), getting very little sleep that night, and then screaming in anguish while lifting my old mattress onto my parent{s SUV roof the next day -- I finally, offically moved out of my apartment. In ridding myself of the apartment, I rid myself of not just the obligation to mail a huge monthly rent check but also of the things that tied me down in N.Y. I removed the stagnation that seeped into my life -- where I forced myself to stay at a job that ruled my life and that was detrimental to my health (both mentally and physically) because of its obscenely large pay, surrounded myself with objects to feel more secure, and left the fear of the unknown control me.

To put a definitive stamp on this momentous occasion in my life, I decided to fly to Costa Rica and learn Spanish there for 5 weeks. (Note, I know no Spanish except hola and como esta -- and do not even know how to answer como esta.) I feel my head spinning quite often trying to communicate with others. I am reminded of when I was training for a marathon and felt so completely out of place in the beginning where I could barely run 5 minutes without feeling like my heart was going to pump out of my chest. But eventually, running became cathartic and I felt a rush of endorphins after each long run; I looked forward to running...

During yoga, my instructor often says that we need to feel, acknowledge, and accept the pain in our body and cherish the fact that our bodies are growing stronger from this pain. I think too often I run away from situations because of this initial pain. But I am starting to realize that this pain is good; it will help me grow. The mind often convinces the body that it cannot do things that it actually can achieve - though not easily. Thus the mind limits what we humans collectively achieve.

I challenge my mind and want to embrace life fully -- with all its accompanying good and bad (e.g., physical pain and endorphins) to help me evolve as much as I can.
Here is to embarking on an adventure of a lifetime! Cheers! Besos from Costa Rica!

A New Beginning

I'm sitting here, in the process of packing up my apartment -- which to me symbolizes my former life in New York City: corporate litigator, flirty SAF, hard-ass. I'm trying to grasp what will change in my life but at the same time, find it hard to even process all the changes that are happening right now. Right after my 29th birthday party I found out that my law firm was laying me off. At first I jumped for joy and started gmail chatting my friends -- "OMG - I got laid off -- but I'm really happy..." But then reality hit me that my life will change dramatically. Regardless of whether I loved or even liked my life "as is," now changes would happen that I wouldn't be able to "book" in my outlook calendar.

From then on, I proceeded to focus on things I neglected in my life because I prioritized work before them. As "work" obviously told me that I was lower on its totem pole than I had previously thought, I decided to readjust my own priorities and focus on "me!" from then on. I told the cute guy who kept asking me out that I finally had a spare moment to go on a date with him; I visited my nieces and instead of checking my blackberry every 5 minutes I gave them my undivided attention and really enjoyed their company; I hung out with friends rested and fully enjoyed their company; and I started thinking about what would really make me happy.

Fast forward 3.5 months to now...
I've moved out of my shitty, "living here to pay off my law school loans" starter apartment, gave my "only have you to become a more loving person per my palm reader's suggestion" black cat to my crazy ass parents, am crazy in love with a wonderful man, and am about to embark on a 5-week stint in Costa Rica to learn Spanish! I was feeling overwhelmed with everything going on in my life -- and the past few days, found it difficult to breathe and just relax.

For better or worse, I have decided to give myself space to process things and try to remember how it feels just to be in my skin again -- without all the noises and distractions (both good and bad). So much is going on in my life that I am forgetting who this Warrior Queen really is... the labels, identities, assumptions, expectations, put on me by myself and others are weighing me down and some suddenly seem inapplicable. I'm left wondering what is the essence of me.

Over drinks one night my friend commented that his life is changing and in particular, he's becoming a new version of himself. I used to think of life as chapters -- but found it fascinating to think of it in terms of versions. I realize that we are always the same person though -- and don't change concretely in versions as we are constantly evolving -- and that if I thought of my life as versions, I would start judging myself on how far I've progressed and whether I like the person that I am becoming. So -- here's the a new chapter in the book of my life!